No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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