just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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