I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
