When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
