From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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