I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
