dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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