I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
