In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
