Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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