Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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