just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
