Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The adults are the big ones right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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