i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
