Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
