i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
