He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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