I wish I could teleport
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
