I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize