Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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