We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
