Someone shit on the floor
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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