I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
