i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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