My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize