Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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