You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We have started to decorate penises.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
