i jhust puked up my retainher.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
