apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
