oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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