ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
