just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
