What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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