I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
