I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Congratulations! We have a period
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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