i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
