i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I need moral support for this bender
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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