I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
