I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
