its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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