$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize