I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
