Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
