I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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