I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
