She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize