Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
