hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
