So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
