i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
