i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize