Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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