u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
