even my farts smell like vagina
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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