so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
