And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
