Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
