You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I would fuck him just for his dog
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