why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
