sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
