Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
