So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
