There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
