I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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