How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
