How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
