i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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