My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
