quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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