I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
